She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
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