Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Drunk is not a location!
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Randomize
