It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
