Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
The police scanner is talking about you again....
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
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