He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
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