Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I'm bleeding and have questions
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
