what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
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