I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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