The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
