just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
