I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up�
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
They are going to name an STD after you.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
