my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize
