You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
