i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
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