I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
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