He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?�
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