I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
