I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
