The maid of honor just puked.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
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