70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
