If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
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