you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
