No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
