And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
