Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
