tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
