My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
