Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
