i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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