just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
talk about how much treatments for your hpv hurts
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
