i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
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