you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
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