stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
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