You really coming over, don't trick.
Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
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