what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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