i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
