Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
