I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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