it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Randomize
