My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
