no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
