Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
