The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
