Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
