I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
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