Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
