I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I believe in your delicious
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