Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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