The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
