I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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